What I have learned last year...

Resolutions and promises that we make to ourselves in the privacy of our conscious mind are a futile waste of our valuable and finite living hours, this is something that I discussed at length with myself whilst eating a large slab of Lemon Gateaux at yet another New Year’s Eve party. It may have been the home brewed 70% proof thinners that I was drinking mixed with the sugar rush from the cake I was shoveling down my face hole, or possibly the lonely dark cave that brain had been occupying since my girlfriends temporary departure for a BBQ Christmas; whatever the reason, I was feeling rather bleak.  There are things in my life that I could change, and the results would be positive but the journey needed to reach improvement seemed to be worse that the infliction that I wish to ‘give up’. I need to quit smoking, I need to save money and like everyone else I want to be happy. But it’s not worked, I’m still unhappy because I can’t stop wasting my money on fags….. Bugger!  

But 2011 has taught me some lessons, and I feel it’s only fair to pass on life’s cruel tricks to others. Please don’t make the same mistakes that I did….

Never wipe your arse with….

After a particularly spicy Saturday night Indian takeaway, my bowls decided (all on their own) that rather than digest the chicken Korma, spitting it out my backside at the speed of light would be a much more appropriate action. Unfortunately I was not at my own house, I was in fact visiting friends that evening and by my fifth visit to the toilet, all of the toilet roll had been used (by me). The only thing that I could find within hovering distance (of the throne…) that was not owned by them and linen or cotton based was a packet of Flash bathroom wipes (with extra added bleach!!) … Ring sting plus bleach equals a very unhappy house guest doing an impression john Wayne after riding his horse. Never ever try this at home (or someone else’s home), use your sock instead…..

Do not get into Debt…

We all know that old saying that rich bastards use to try and play down their social status and personal wealth in a vain attempt quell feelings of jealously and murderous rage:’ there’s more to life than money’, maybe so. But money is the back bone of the society that we must inhabit, a society that has been sculpted by years of ‘life’. It’s all very well being self-sufficient on a hippy farm in southern France, growing your own vegetables, killing livestock and drinking your own piss, as money would make very little difference to your everyday life. But for the rest of us, sat freezing in a house that we can’t afford to heat, eating the cheapest edible substitute that passes for food and wondering how the hell we are meant to get to work on the fumes left in the petrol tank of our shitty bangers. Money is essential for living any form of acceptable and satisfying lifestyle, but a lack of it leads the vast majority of us into debt, and credit cards, and pay day loans, and buying clothes from catalogues…. Be warned, it will catch up with you and it will continually beat you around the ankles till you address the problems that you created.

Don’t listen to stupid advice…

Live every day like it’s your last…. This is the holy grail of lifestyle choices that is impossible to achieve unless you’re a Euro millions winner or simply ignoring my earlier advice about debt. If I was aware that this was my last day of living, then I certainly wouldn’t spend it at work; trying to earn some more money so that I can have some fun (probably eating and having somewhere to crash is more apt) on the weekends. But I don’t know when my last of life is so how can I sustain a lifestyle that encourages a wasteful spending pattern, which could last anywhere from a week to 100 years?  I’d love to live like the saying suggests but I simply don’t have time.

Do not trust children (even your own)….

All children are pathological liars, pre-programmed from birth to avoid saying anything that would even remotely insinuate their guilt in any given situation, even when I’ve watched them actually committing a crime with my own eyes. I once walked into my son’s bedroom and caught him sat inside the wardrobe; I asked him politely why he was sat in such an odd place. I felt it was a fair question but he decided to simply deny the situation like it never happened and told me that he wasn’t sat in the wardrobe and that I must have mistook his coat hanging up for him. No amount of rational explaining can get the point home that my eyes never came off whilst he was exiting the wardrobe and then stood straight in front of me. I have forehead shaped grooves throughout my crappy rented hovel from previous events where I take solice from gently knocking my head against the wall. I tend to do this till I have forgotten the situation that caused it! The trouble is that over 70% of adults (figures taken from my own opinions…) do not grow out of this habit.

That Celebrities are incapable of naming children appropriately…

Pilot, Kyd, Fifi Trixibelle, Audio Science, Jermajesty are just a simple handful of terrible life changing names that ‘famous Idiots’ have chosen to scar their children with.

And that’s it, after a full year of living; that’s all that I can offer. Live long and prosper peeps…..

Controlled Corruption

A few weeks ago, I was watching channel 4’s oddly compelling medical version of the X-factor, where the patients (they are contestants really!!) are all trying to outdo each other with the most embarrassing medical complaints just to get their sweaty butt cheeks on telly?  ‘Look mum, the inside of my anal canal is on national TV’…. I do like watching it but not when I’m eating a slightly dodgy looking Chinese takeaway.  But one of the comments raised in this car crash TV show sent the hamster inside my skull spinning round on his little wheel at a colossal speed, I had a thought and it was a scary one! It was a vision of the future and it was not bright (or orange)….

The beginnings of my apparition stem from the obviously somber future evils (global warming for example, which I consider to be a load of bollocks btw) that ‘top scientists’ pretend to be finding the solution too. Science has clearly produced many amazing developments over the past century (lets skip over Meth amphetamine for time being…) that have not only prolonged our life expectancy, but also vastly enhanced the quality of life that we, as inhabitants of this developed country, experience. Not only can we mere mortals now be told the name of our infliction, but we can also learn, in great detail, how our life threatening and debilitating syndrome will slowly kill us. If only they could actually cure the bloody thing! But instead concentrating the task of prevention and cures, the powers that be dangle carrots wrapped in dollar bills in front of the scientists and surely enough corruption soon follows.

These powerful medical laboratories plough huge resources into producing (and getting paid for) massive stocks of immunizations for diseases that are invented by the government and publicized by the media. This creates public hysteria and therefore demand for the aforementioned immunizations materializes!  Bird Flu is a prime example of this problem; the media and W.H.O. (World Health Organization) worked very hard to create widespread hysteria from phony figures that Tamiflu (the ‘vaccine’) was stockpiled; allowing Tamiflu to turn over around $1 billion dollars.  The stock market responded kindly to the increased turnover, lining the pockets of the American defense secretary to the tune of around $25 million. African AIDS was the most likely the result of the smallpox eradication vaccine program conducted by the W.H.O. during the 1970’s, and look how much money medical science rakes in now from AIDS treatments (well.. you can’t really look as I didn’t state any figures but you know what mean!!)? And Ok, this can’t and probably never will be proven either way but my distrusting nature tends to lean towards the conspiracists with a sympathetic ear. There clearly is corruption somewhere in the ranks….

Another (apparent) problem that can be addressed within the governments (possible..) medical money spinner is the sheer number of peeps that inhabit our slowly dying earth, it is a big problem for them! We all need feeding and clothing and have opinions that we demand to be heard!! The Chinese leaders have had a crack at solving this and claim to have prevented 750 million births since its introduction in 1978 by introducing strict birthing policies. But within that mass of unborn intelligence, who knows what talent has been bypassed, we could have missed our chance to meet the next Einstein or Gascoigne. So Please China, keep your head buried deep in that sand box. Honestly, the social problems and gender imbalance within your empire created from your God complex must be considered to be ‘worth it’ in the long run…..

So what was my scary vision (and I’m not talking about my immanent bankruptcy if the money grabbing ex-trouble and strife has her wicked and emotionally blackmailing way), how do I foresee next act of god from our corrupt and downright thick as fuk world leaders?  I think that we will need to apply for a ‘license to reproduce’, for each and every possible child that every couple in the developed world wish to try and create.   Only those not suffering from any of the known diseases and syndromes will be allowed to apply for a certificate stating that they are allowed to one produce an offspring, and each subsequent sibling will have to be applied and argued for, no doubt with a limit of the total number of children allowed by family. But how can we be classified medically suitable to reproduce when the manufactured illnesses are biding their time, waiting to infected us and remove our chances of ever legally conceiving a child – and thus controlling the population numbers, whilst creating profit from the illness’s.

It’s a scary thought, as it will be start of the secretly controlled civilization with anyone classified as anything other than medically perfect being cast aside without procreating a successor to their personal throne. I’m not off the doctors anymore, nor am I getting the bloody flu jab this year….

To Fall in Love....

Forward: A practical view of love…

The whole concept of love is such a misty grey subject tainted with the silent cries for attention from the lonely and broken hearted, and repeatedly stereotyped by the masses as a feeling that we should all strive to seek out and grip onto at all costs. Is it considered a failure to pass over this feeling, whether through choice or misfortune. We have developed this ‘ability’ to fall in love; but the success of an individual’s existence should not be measured by their ability to find the special someone.  Love is not, and should not be treated as the Holy Grail, it is not necessary to spend years and a small fortune on dating sites and Lynx’s products. It is fine to be single……    

Love is simply an emotion that, in the right situation, can fill you’re every waking thought with warmth and comfort, whilst providing the proud title-holder of the emotion with a sense of direction and achievement. But it can also create an invisible boundary’s and walls, subjecting the prisoner to heinous acts of emotional cruelty which go unnoticed by outsiders.  My own personal experience with cupid has cast aside the rose tinted specs that once sat proudly on the bridge of my nose. My perception of an evil shape shifter (the ex obviously!) caused emotional damage to such a depth that I suffer night terrors and flashbacks to this day.  Love is not, and should not be the feeling of abandonment (in an ambulance with a flashing blue light I might add) nor is it feeling abused or bullied within your own castle. By allowing myself to be suckered into the lion’s den and beaten within an inch of conscious life, my escape has afforded me the priceless ability to see inner beauty within the people that I meet. The Holy Grail is sat on my fire place; my search never began but is over already.

One thing that must not be confused with ‘love’ is the debilitating emotional handicap of infatuation. This parasite worm’s its way inside your system like a computer virus until every inch of your body is filled with nothing but this person. Normal service is well and truly gone; your body simply becomes a stalking machine functioning only for one purpose. It’s an impossible vicious circle that only a back alley fumble with a hooker of epically trashy proportions can break. Let’s be honest here, the poor victim of your infatuation is hardly likely to be attracted your behavior – ‘‘Please stalk me some more, I enjoy having some weirdo watching my every move. It makes me feel so relaxed and comfortable in your presence’’! Its potential social suicide that a simple ‘who’s your best friend app’ on Facebook can highlight to the world, It’s not normal to check a person’s profile 20 times in an hour nor is it healthy to refuse help or admit your issue.

To be heartbroken is emotion that we will all suffer at one point in our measly lives but I promise that you’ll come through a stronger person for it. The stifling vice around your arteries and noose that you’re hanging from will eventually loosen, and that sweet smell of happiness will return when you least expect it.  The broken heart can be mended, patched up and sent on its way again, ready to embrace life and all that it has to offer.

One thing I think we can all agree on is that sometimes we have to let go, whether it’s a long distance relationship that hurts too much or an infatuation that can only lead to prison time; If you love somebody let them go. More importantly though, please remove the rose tinted glasses and realize this: Nothing is forever!!! I do not doubt the strength of your feelings at the moment, but things can change in the blink of an eye and the consequences can be devastating if you’re not emotionally prepared. The foundations of any love are inherently unstable and subject to hidden dangers (travelling, stress, that night out when things went a bit wrong …) so enjoy the time that you have together and make it count, and don’t ever go to bed angry! This delicate sensation that we describe as life should be cherished as a blessing and embraced because you’ll never get a second chance to relive your regrets.

Oh.. and you know that person your currently stalking? Leave them alone because you’ll only be disappointed….

A pig of a Problem

Forward: This is a brief insight into the struggle between what is considered natural and modern food sources

..the entrance to the devils arse

Amongst the many varied attributes that us Humans are blessed with, one of our most important (I believe anyway) is the conscious mind; which affords us with the necessary tools that have helped shape and create the world that we inhabit today (for the purposes of this point please ignore all the huge failures, global warming, famine, nuclear weapons, socialism etc that have also been created!) It also provides most of us with the ability to make up our own minds and develop opinions that can, and usually are different to others. Now Let me repeat that because it’s very important… different to others, e.g. my opinion is different to yours and I am big and stupid enough to change it without your help!! Unfortunately opinions are like hairy arseholes, everyone has them but some of them stink. He who speaks loudest is not necessarily correct; in fact it’s the narrow minded opinionated bigots that have infuriated me into writing this passage. 

Whilst attending yet another wedding ceremony (crazy fools!) on Saturday, the promise of a crispy hog roast for supper sparked a few words that I couldn’t get out of my head; ‘an animal had to die for a couple’s whimsical fancy’. A simple tick of a pen or the entering of a PIN number into a credit card machine and that animal was a goner. Now just to get this clear, I’m not a vegetarian, not by any means... I love meat. In fact BBQ’s are without doubt my favorite form of celebratory food, given the opportunity (not to mention the cash needed to fund it) I would relish the Atkins diet, burgers for breakfast are the best!  But for some alien reason I couldn’t help feeling slightly guilty for the act of slaughter that the happily married couple (I’ll give them 2 years ‘till the realization of what they’ve done kicks in…) deemed necessary to celebrate their union (once it had been pointed out to me).

N.B. lots of brackets have been used in the making of the above paragraph which can only be attributed to my hatred of the comma.

Roll back the clock a few centuries and the story and opinions are very different (I’m not delving into the subject of evolution here, that’s for another day….), red meat was an essential part of their diet providing energy and fat to allow early humans to survive through the tough winters. I don’t think the mud huts were central heated so they adapted and used the food sources available i.e. animals.  But now, in 2011, 4000 calories a day is simply not necessary for us to go about our every day activities. I don’t need to physically hunt down and spear a multi legged animal to provide sustenance for my family; Asda do that for a bum-slapping low price (and deliver it to my door). So why do certain opinionated people feel it necessary to mock, sorry wrong word, try and convince those who choose to follow a different diet that our digestive systems (but there’s never a mention to the potential heart disease) will be so much better off eating their way, at every given opportunity?

New food sources and techniques have been developed to allow a very healthy alternative diet without the need for animal blood; and to be honest you don’t meet many overweight vegetarians…. but it’s still a tricky lifestyle to follow, your options at most restaurants are limited and the prices of Quorn are ridiculous. Unfortunately there are too many narrow minded idiots who think that they can be the one to convince you that we are designed to eat meat and that you’re wrong for choosing not to, when in fact you can make any choices you want without having to justify yourself at every public restaurant or family occasion. Vegetarians/ vegans etc are obviously clever enough to sustain themselves on a different diet which can be trickier, and for that I think that they deserve more respect for choosing to follow their beliefs despite the obvious difficulties associated with this choice.   

This leads me to a bit of a cross roads; how can I feel guilty for benefiting from the murder of animals when I enjoy, nay love, eating them?  Should I become a healthy, BMI-perfect vegetarian or an overweight, opinionated meat-eating slob? And how on earth can I get aforementioned overweight opinionated slobs to keep their opinions to themselves? This is a tricky one, I wonder if Smarties still have the answer….

Fuck Up

Forward: This is a passage describing regrets that surfaced from not trying hard enough when the opportunity presented itself

As I peel open my eyelids, trying frantically to silence, without damaging, my noisy android friend, that all too familiar feeling of anxiety and sadness fills my hazy early morning thoughts. Is it Saturday? Please god let it be Saturday, I really don’t want to spend another day sitting in a grotty, modular sweat box surrounded by miserable and bitter old gits who insist on calling me ‘young man’ (but apparently it’s offensive if I call them ‘old’, where’s the logic in that?). I simply can’t summon the massive quantity of sarcasm needed to survive yet another day surrounded by people who, to be honest, probably hate their jobs just as much as I do. The highlight of my working day is leaving the door at 5.00pm when I can depart as fast as my skinny legs will carry me without making it blatantly obvious to those around me that I really couldn’t give a rat’s ass about my current employment, if only my multitude of debtors would accept promises and dreams as payment….

It’s not as if I can point my bitter, RSI infected finger at anyone in particular and call them a ‘dream-breaker’ (I can’t actually ever think of an occasion when I have used that particular insult but hey..), and maybe sue them for allowing me to wander aimlessly down this dead end that I call employment entrusting my future to the comment thrown around by the elderly; ‘it’ll all work out in the end’. Well guess what?? It doesn’t, I’ve tried that for a few years now and I’m officially screwed. A more apt phase involves me lying uncomfortably in a bed that I made myself.

Sometimes I wish I had actually taken myself seriously, instead of daydreaming and teasing myself with seemingly viable options of skipping my next lecture to keep my sofa company. Honestly, I could hear it gently calling my name to try and lure me back onto its forgiving softness with promises of beer and pizza. It was at this point that somewhere inside my unconscious thoughts, a hidden war between my future happiness and the next pint was fought and lost without me even realizing it. I think the buzz word for this reaction to the new found freedom that teenage study allows is culture shock. I can only compare the change to being released from a Category A prison straight into the playboy manor with pocket full of $100 bills, some people (me included) just went mad and plain forgot the what the mission was. And that was my problem, a complete lack of application…

But I’m not so blind that I can’t see which path I should now choose, but at the same time that path is blocked by another quick fix (more beer) that will allow me to remain outwardly sane for another couple of days. I have to keep this as a little secret that only me and my inner voices can talk about, a dirty little shameful fact that I just couldn’t bring myself to share with an actual living person for fear of forced therapeutic help. To the outside world I’m just getting on with it best I can, making do and smiling through it, inside I’m screaming for stimulation.

Don’t get me wrong though, I had an f**king fantastic time tossing it off for all those years … but now I’m not, now I’m unhappy and bitter with the shitty hand dealt to me by life, now I hate myself for messing up my so called future cos of what seemed so important at that time in my life. I guess I’m trying to be wise and get the point home, don’t fuck it all up or you’ll end up like me.